Pissing in the river

^ The song title makes me snigger all the time, but it is actually a very depressing song, contrary to the not so depressing title. Though I don’t really get what makes the song sad, mainly because I have no idea what the lyrics means, whenever I’m down I listen to this song, and it helps, a lot. I like the term I’m down, it’s a very polite and non disclosing way of saying I’m sad, I’m fucking pissed or I’m mad at life depending on the situation, and depending on my mood. When you say I’m down, what you are feeling is diminished to the minimal point, condensed to a simple word, and when you repeat it enough times, you can actually manage to convince yourself that you are simply just down and nothing more. We need more words of that kind, makes life easier, less explanation, less questions. Focus on your own life, and continue moving on. Wrap up unnecessary emotions into this little baggage above the heart.

Driving blows. I used to have a reason to drive, but now that I have a car, the reason is no longer there, and I’m left with not only just a car, but the extra responsibility to care for it. Ahh the joys of growing up and the joys of being too late, now that I have achieved both in one go, I can die miserably. Reminder, it shall serve as a reminder than, not to be foolish, not to wish, and not to hope. Like those frightfully happy cards I always read in memory lane, a reminder that everybody likes humor, and if that does not work, write a few meaningful sentences, add a few decorative flowers, then seal it with a colorful envelope. Sadly, meaningful sentences have lost its’ touch these days and simple words are taking over, because everybody is cynical now, no need for flowery language, get straight to the point, gain or lose, then move on. For me though, I could never be direct, I tend to take on the meaningful sentences of life, the long road, the dumb road. To reach a state of realization I took 6 months, to run away it took me 1 month, and to lose everything, hah that took less than one month. HAHA, I have to laugh at the pointlessness of this all. I single handedly built and destroyed the length of a year of my life, with the painful demise of perhaps and maybe that carries on till now, and best yet, no one to blame but myself. The confidence, the hair, the cloths and now the car..in the end, foolish little me, repeating the same mistake again. I can’t compete with the circle of nature, can I? Dumbness spawns dumbness. Shit, I feel like vomiting again, I think I ate something bad 3 days ago, and my stomach has yet to recover. At least today is better than yesterday; I could still think and not sleep through all the nauseous-ness, if that’s a word.

I remember saying that when I grow up I want to be bla bla bla (the latter doesn’t matter cause it’s besides the point) in the second day of college last year, and then Mrs. Kalpana (very good bio teacher) corrected me and say, no no, you have already grown up, its not when you grow up. Poor illustration of how the conversation took place, I know. Anyway, it was at then more than any point in my 17-18 years old life that I actually felt- wow, I’m already a grown up. Thanks Mrs Kalpana! Lets see the chart of progression of my improvement with age. When I was 7, I was ambitious, in plain words I wanted to be rich (more precisely to be rich so that I can build slides all around the world as means of transportation, only for children), now to be rich has become, to just find a job, and diminished to just passing all my exams in university. The ambition has shrunk and the drive lacking, ohh as well as becoming more and more self centered. But then again, I’m already a grown up, nothing else matters, cause when you are a grown up, problems are tackled at once (timelines are shorter) and meanings takes a back seats. Is that true? I don’t know. For me, today’s profound realization is tomorrow’s silliness.

Look at me here, trying to decipher what I think, and what others should think, giving a tag of reasoning and loudly showing my distaste towards well, just being me. All this negativity, like I know what suffering is. Being bitter as hell, when I’m living a moderately good life, where there is absolutely no reason for me to be so. I have so much to learn still. I should be ashamed of turning into yet another bitter, angst driven youngling. Next thing you know, I’m writing bad poetry on darkness and the color black. Note to self: write something happy the next post. Nevertheless, here is the immature post for the day. I’m out. Going to watch Ugly Betty! Then take out the stitches in my gum!